When Time Stops

When time stops

Martha was speaking to people that were not visible to anyone but her. When I asked, who she was speaking to she said, “My Mom and someone you will meet in person today.” It was one of my daily visits to her at the rehab facility where she resided after her stroke in June 2019.

Soon after that visit she called the pastor of our church insistent that he come to the rehab hospital to see her. When he got there Martha regaled him with how her funeral should be conducted, including no black and everyone wearing galoshes because there was going to be a flood from all the tears. That same evening or maybe the next day, she insisted that Tammy, Seth’s wife come and see her.

Tammy brought friends. That thrilled her. Martha even as her body failed her was energized by being with people. The loneliness she experienced in the skilled care unit was emotionally debilitating. So surrounded by Tammy and friends she had a good time with Tammy. Before the visit ended Martha confided in Tammy, telling her that her stepfather, Chuck would be joining her in heaven next. This did not go over well, so in Martha fashion, always seeking to lighten the mood when things got too heavy or too sad, she looked into Tammy’s eyes and said to her “too Soon huh”.

Two days later Martha had her “Final Strokes”. With no other options we let her go. Believe me it was TOO SOON. I was suddenly alone. A few months later Tammy’s stepdad joined her.
When she took her last breath, time stopped dead for me, my brain shut off, the world probably kept right on spinning, but I got stuck. If you talked to me during that time, take my word for it, I was not there. It was as if aliens had taken over my body and mind. And there was nothing I could do about it.

So for five months, my eyes glazed over internally. God let me drift. He continued to carry me. Until, one day, out of the blue, time got a jumpstart and I faced the reality of what the previous five months had done. I realized I had to do something to climb out of this place I was in. My mom suggested this verse for me to consider:
“I waited patiently for the LORD. He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of destruction, out of the sticky mud. He stood me on a rock and made my feet steady.”‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40:1-2‬ ‭NCV‬‬

So there I was, covered in mud, sticky, icky, but on the rock, scouring the area for potential hazards, assessing my situation following the stoppage of time, and still pretty sure there was a goose or two left to fend off. But sure of one thing. Life with Martha taught me to value family, friends, church, God. She taught me to work hard, play often, and pray constantly. She helped me learn to laugh at myself without diminishing my self worth…always encouraging me to try to see myself thru her eyes and God’s heart.

Additionally, Martha told me in our time together, if she died, I had to move on find a new love, not to replace her—as if that would ever be possible—but to share the goodness of life and the love God has placed in my heart.
I never knew I would have to do that. But my eyes opened, and I realized I do not want to be alone.